The Secret To Happiness (in SL)...

...or at least a modicum of satisfaction...is...NO EXPECTATIONS

So there I am, canoodling with my favorite playmate in SL, the one guy who I think is kinkier and freakier than I am,,,and...he disappears...not physically, just 5 minutes with no comment. My first thought, should have been rather obvious...but that's not like him. He likes to announce these things...

So then, I felt myself starting to get annoyed...and then angry..and then my BP started to rise, and I thought wait a damn minute...why am I getting upset? He responds that he had a phone call..and I was like...okay....deep breath...calm down...no problem.

And then it hit me...its so much more fun when we can have time together and just relax and enjoy what comes of it. All of my upset and stress lately - both in SL and RL - has had to do with my expectations not being met. Now, in RL there is some degree of control there...but honestly...in most situations...I can't control whether or not someone else meets my expectations. I can't make them show up when they say they will...I can't make them do what they say they will ro what I want them to do. So rather than be upset and continually disappointed and hurt by their failure to meet my expectations...why not change the one thign I CAN control - my own expectations. After all, its not fair to expect someone to exist to meet my needs - it needs to be a give and take. And if I'm getting upset that they are living our their own lives and doing their own things...why?? I can change my own expectations - or eliminate them - and just enjoy what happens, without building the anticipation to an anticlimactic high that always leads to a devastatingly disappointing low...

So that's my new philosophy - NO EXPECTATIONS. I don't expect anything, I don't get disappointed. We might make tentative plans, or suggestions, and if they don't happen, so be it - I'll go find something else to do. Its fucking hard enough to try to make thigns work according to any sort of PLAN in RL, let alone SL. So I'm done. No more plans. No more expectations. No more disappointments.

Same goes with Damien. Yes, a part of me is seriously grieving...but hey..if he doesn't come back, then so be it. That is life. Loss is part of life. I cannot keep waking up every morning and being disappointed with the lack of an email. I cannot keep logging into SL everyday waiting for the bottom to drop out and the sim to be gone. If it happens, it happens. Such is life, and especially SL. I miss him, terribly, but he either doesn't - or can't - miss me, so why stress myself over it? I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I have enough to worry about in RL without stressing out over SL relationships.

NO MORE EXPECTATIONS :) And Poly/Rowan lives her SL happily ever after - carefree and enjoying the moment :)

Actions Negate Words

So, its been over a week now, and no word from Damien.

Words: "I PROMISE I will NEVER be gone offline for more than a couple days at a time without getting word to you SOMEHOW...I will NEVER disappear on you again..."

Actions: No word at all in 8 days. The last message I got was a promise to email when he got home from work on the 30th. He was on SL, apparently, on the 31st. I didn't see him on, but the group says he was...but no word then..or since.

Doubts, fears, obsessions....honestly afraid that he won't be back. If he disappears on me again...I'm not sure I can handle that loss. It might be the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this....I don't know if I can.

***In other news***

Words: "I'll ALWAYS need you...I can't do this without YOU...YOU are my ROCK, you'll always be a very significant part of my life...its YOU, don't you see that?"

Actions: Until another focus comes along..then he's all eyes toward it. Then he gets hurt. Then he runs and hides behind his defenses...and I've not really "seen" him since, not like before.

Actions: If he goes back home...it will be ALONE. That was made very clear...pointed look and all.

Doubts, fears...and I'm putting myself on the line here to stand by his side and help him through everything...knowing full well that, at the end of the long hard road..he'll more than likely leave. The costs are enormous. The output is tremendous. I'm not sure I'll survive losing him. I'm not sure I ever had him to begin with. Its like I'm fine until something better comes along. Old issue, I know, but...I'm the only person like me he's ever known, really...the only one who knows the REAL him. The one who brought the real him out into the open. I can't even think about that right now. I feel like I'm suffocating whenever I do. I've lost so damn much over this...but did I ever really have it? I convinced myself that I let it go, gave it up, accepted the changes, because of the potential gain after...and in a cast off comment about another issue...the truth comes out..."ALONE"..."I won't be here in 10 years...I hope I'm not even here in two"...regardless, the changes are happening.

I'm trying. I'm trying to hold on, to be patient, to help in whatever way I can. I can't talk to anyone about this, not really, no one knows what its like, what I'm going through. There is NO ONE. Seth knew the truth...but he didn't understand it, not really..though he could empathize with me. Now, he's long gone. Damien....knew enough to help me sort out my thoughts. But now....another reason I'm not sure I can survive losing him. Selfish, I know...and I'm trying hard not to focus on my own needs and issues in all this. They are secondary, if not tertiary. That's probably closer to the truth. I just wish I had some support in this...someone who could understand...the one person who would...kind of...because she's in a similar situation...doesn't understand the differences enough to be of any help. And...I cant' discuss it with her, I've been asked not to. So...fine. I won't.

What do I need....I need someone who understands. I need one person on my side, totally, who knows the situation...who can be an ear and a shoulder and sometimes..jsut knowing they exist. Just knowing I'm not alone....and to know that, after all is said and done, I'm not going to be alone again. To know that I'm not going through all of this...giving so much up..with nothing personally to show for it but the experience and memories. If, 2-3 years from now, when everything is done and settled...I'm alone...I'm just not sure I'm that selfless. I'm not sure I have it in me to be. Well, I can be selfless...but at the end of it all...if i'm alone..if my role has been reduced to what it was all along, underneath it all - "the good friend who helped me become me..I talk to her every once in awhile..we exchange texts and emails now and then..I send her pics..."...I won't be that. My actions will not negate those words.

Resolvedly,
Poly

That fragile thing called trust...

In trying to be loyal and protect the privacy of someone I love deeply, something I will not bend on...I have potentially destroyed the trust built between myself and another loved one.

By putting my blinders on and seeing the future for what I want it to be irregardless of the roadblocks...I have potentialy hurt someoen and created strife and doubt where once there was nothing but excitement and delicious anticipation.

I've been so focused on the potential losses that will be faced by my partner as they walk the road they ahve chosen with me by their side as loving support, if nothing else...and I lost sight of the potential losses that will be incurred for me as well. Silly selfish thoughts, I know...and I would give up damn near anything to make them happy (I might whine about it and fret and spaz out, but I'll do it)...but this loss, for whatever reason, didn't occur to me as being possible.

I had actually allowed myself to imagine the end of this road WITH this other loved one as an accepting part of it...somehow now...I don't see that as possible. Another dream killed. Another hope dashed. And, again...I should have known better.

So, my quite possibly willfull ignorance or refusal to face the truth of the matter...has hurt someone else and caused them to feel betrayed, and injured our relationship, perhaps irreparably. And I have to accept the blame for that. I do...but it still sucks. Although, truth be told, its better that it happen now than 6 months down the road when everything comes to a head and..yeah. Its better this way.

Some things have to be sacrificed for the needs of someone I love. I can deal with that. I just hate that I didn't anticipate THIS as being one of them. There has been so much already that I've lost, or will lose...and the potential gains remain to be seen. There is a voice in the back of my head getting louder by the day telling me that when the path is done...the potential gains..won't be mine. I'll be around, if I choose to be, to see them happen...but the benefit, other than the satisfaction of knowing that I helped someone I love very much change their life and become HAPPY...won't happen for me. I accept that.

But is it too damn much to ask for ONE thing to be mine?

Back burner syndrome

This weekend I spent trying to get stuff cleaned out of my mom's house and brought back here. The house is a wreck, literally, and there is NO WAY I can do it all. My Mom left the house in the condition it was because she needed to get away. I get that. I also get that she needs me to deal with the fallout. I'm just having a hard time dealing with my own emotional reactions at the moment.

My Mom talks about having made her peace with things and moved on, etc. She has her boyfriend now, they are living together, she is happy. She still has days where the memories overwhelm her and she cries, but she smiles more now than cries. That's a beautiful thing.

I feel like I never had a chance to mourn MY loss. This was my Dad...and granted, we didn't have the greatest relationship, but he was my dad. I have never cried in front of her, for fear of setting her off. I can't cry really in front of David, because it makes his uncomfortable, and he just tries to make me laugh (which is a good thing, trust me!). I still haven't made my peace. I haven't mourned. I haven't taken the time to come to grips with the reality of it yet. I don't know when I will.

Mom's newfound freedom and second adolescence also comes with a pricetag for me - selfish, I know, but it does. She talked for the last 2 years about me coming out to Oregon eventually to live and be with her, be close, that I'd have a place to stay, etc etc. Well, she's selling her house and moving into a modular or something smaller with her boyfriend, and...yeah...no room for me. Bye bye safety net. She doesn't need me anymore for HER safety net. I'm happy for her, I really am. She put her needs first, which is what she needs to do. I support her in that, and I will continue to do so.

Then there are some of the other things I'm losing, and have lost lately. There were the lovely dreams on SL of a family. That went away, because the other family members' needs changed. Little thought was given to how these changes would affect me and my plans - those being the family dream that was offered to me..but...water under the bridge. They put their needs first, which is what they needed to do for them. I support them in that, and I will continue to do so.

Then there are the RL losses, or impending ones, that I am having real trouble coping with. I know the fear is potentially unfounded, because it will be more of a change than a real loss...and really, I tell myself, I've not HAD the thing I fear losing...at least not in the most definitive sense...in so long now..but the HOPE of rekindling that was always there...but now it may be going away for good. That scares me. BUT...again...the people I love more than anything are putting THEIR needs first, which is something I have wanted them to do - and that they NEED to do - for themselves, for their happiness. I support them in that and will stand by their side, regardless of my personal sense of loss or what have you.

Is it wrong, therefore, to feel as though i lost sense of myself along the way? To wonder when its my turn to put my needs first? I mentioned as much to David the other ngiht..and he asked me "What ARE Your needs?"

.......

Damn good question. I couldn't answer him. I honestly don't know where to start. I spend so mucht ime pushing them aside and talking myself out of them, in favor of being supportive of the needs of those I love and their efforts to meet their own needs...I lost sight of mine. I suppose its kinda hard to put something first when I can't even define what that something is. *sighs*

Time to go unpack some more and clean some more furniture off. Joy of joys. Back to work tomorrow, then a night - and an entire day off - of laundry and putting clothes away in drawers and closets and putting the bed together and cleaning and vaccuuming and and and...*jumps for joy..makes it about 2 inches off the ground, and grudgingly trods off to the bedroom to start the evening's chores*.

Resentfully,

Poly

The Hunger

Its amazing to me how the absolute hunger, craving, NEED, for D/s attention and interaction can manifest itself. I suppose I've been conditioned over the last year or so to be satisfied with the little moments - the quick hair pulls, the hard slaps, the vicious kisses, the rare - all to rare - slam you against the wall and kiss the breath out of you moments. The little moments slack off from time to time, with life circumstances, and that has an interesting result. It leaves me vulnerable to even the slightest hint of a decent D/s interaction. It causes a situation in which things that shouldn't affect me - do - and take my breath away. I'm so hungry to hear HIS words in my mind, to feel my body sync to HIS, our heartbeats meld...that even the voice of a man I respond to a little bit giving me an order in THAT TONE...has a profound effect on me. Even the rough touch and naughty words of a boy - who until that time had struck me as submissive - calling me a dirty little slut and pulling my hair, then kissing my forehead...has me curled at his feet purring like a kitten.

Even now...I crave that interaction. Most especially from HIM, and, in HIS absence, from the one I respond to similarly. What is it with these men, who toss out little moments, little teases, little tastes, that barely keep my juices flowing...that is so fucking addictive? Why is it that I can spend hours in their presence, waiting for them to toss me a scrap of attention (feast on scraps by Alanis is coming to mind here) like a lost puppy dog, and when they do decide to show me the degree of attention I need...I respond tenfold?

And why - oh god why - does it thrill me so to know that, in those moments in which I was basking in their presence and waiting for a scrap, they were paying attention? They were learning? They were gathering information to use against me later - information to give them a direct line into my head.

THIS is why I am a submissive. As strong of a woman as I am, I NEED these interactions. A part of me NEEDS to feel that there is someone out there who knows me better than I know myself, who can turn me inside out on their whim, who can take control of my mind, my heart, and my body, whenever they so desire. And to know - beyond a shadow of a doubt, no matter how frustrating and aggravating and maddening at times it may be - that it WILL happen on THEIR whim...and not mine. And, knowing that, I know that, when it does....I WILL respond. I won't have a choice.

Ahhhhh....to know a good Dom....its a wonderful feeling....

~ Poly

Mental Floss

So she's dating...my mother is dating. She lives all the way across the country, her husband of 34+ years (my father) died just over 5 months ago from a terrible, long, drawn out illness...and she's dating. She's acting like a teenager again, and its beautiful to see, in a way...creepy in a way too, but...you'll have that I suppose.

I can't help but feel like I'm being pushed even farther away, because I can't be in that place with her. I'm not there. She's dating...meanwhile, I can't look at my Dad's picture, or hear his name, or even think about him, without crying. I put his picture up in my linden home...and I've not been back since. I can't look at it...but I also can't take it down. I know a big part of it is guilt - feeling like I disappointed him or am disappointing him.

So Yeah. She's dating. I'm happy for her. I'm nowhere near that stage or recovery. And it sucks.

When he really started going downhill...I needed someone. I needed...daddy...to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me everything would be okay, I'd be okay...to tell me I was a good girl. And mean it.

The man that I SHOULD (hindsight is 20/20) have turned to for that...wasn't able to handle it. He was able to make me smile..and numb the pain...but he couldn't hold me while I cried. He doens't have it in him. Its not a shortcoming of his..its just a mismatch of needs - it can't all be perfect.

So I turned to another. The most unlikely person to be a "Daddy" considering that he is  7 years younger than me...but...it worked. He was there for me. I had that connection, that safety net, that buffer. He'd filled that role before, and now, for another reason..he did again. It was stupid. I knew it wouldn't end well. I knew I picked the wrong person to rely on. That was MY mistake - relying on him..counting on him to be there for me, to keep his promises. MY mistake to believe his passionate words and promises. As fate would have it - he betrayed them all. He broke promises to me, and betrayed my trust and my love. Our connection was severed, completely...and I've not talked to him in well over a month now, not long after my birthday was the last time we spoke. I almost texted him today...because the feeling of loss and not getting over it is overwhelming me today, and there is NO ONE else I can turn to right now. Such is life, I suppose. I didn't...and I won't. I'll maintain that he has enough on his plate, and obviously if I meant anything to him, I'd have heard from him by now.

Which brings me to today. My SL is a beautiful disaster at the moment.

I can't shake the feeling that I'm being replaced by my family. I know - its not without precedent. In their eyes, I sort of replaced them as well. I didn't....I couldn't...but...*shrugs*....what will be will be, I suppose. They deserve to be happy, and I wasn't making Michael happy. He needs something more...something different...something easier...than me. I'm not saying it didn't hurt like hell when he first told me he was thinking of collaring Aidree...the first indication that I wasn't good enough. The fact that we hadn't had any time together, hadn't played more than once and - awesome though it was - it wasn't D/s. I voiced my displeasure - now I wish I'd kept my mouth shut - and the promises started.....I won't do this...I won't replace You...I won't look because its hurting others too....You'll always be considered in any decisions we make, you're family...etc etc etc. I'll never turn my back on you. Well...not turning to face me IS turning your back on me. Not speaking to me. Not making an effort. Not keeping any of your promises more than 2-3 days....oh you know what, fuck it. My pain in this department isn't important. I made the decision to place the friendship over anything else, and he deserves to be happy in SL. I can't begrudge him that. If it makes him happy to ignore me, I'll gladly make it easy.

Desie, on the other hand...that HURTS. Thinking that she is replacing me...that hurts. Because whether Michael and I are ever more than friends...doesn't really matter at this point..as long as that friendship is maintained. But Desie...the connection we have meant a lot to me. A hell of a lot. I DO NOT want to lose that. And I feel like I am repeatedly putting her in the middle. Differences of opinion or tension between Michael and I are putting her in the middle. And her loyalty is with Him...which I understand and accept.

Dragging this out, expecting Him to keep his promises...to try to work it out...its hurting. And my cup is already a little too full of hurt to deal with this too.

I know I hurt Him, I know I bruised him, with the whole Damien thing. I never thought he would be back. I certainly never thought things would progress as they have if he did come back. I hoped that, if he did, we'd at least still be friends. But...wow..there is more of an intense connection there now - that we are being real and honest and open with one another - than there even was before he left. And I can't walk away from that.

So I'm terribly sorry that I hurt Michael, and that I hurt Desie by proxy. I never wanted out of their family. I never even wanted out of their collar. But...I can't sit by the wayside and continue to expect consideration and care and be disappointed and hurt over and over again. I don't need that, and I don't deserve it...and its only going to breed bitterness and pain. And He deserves to be happy - and Desie deserves to not be put in the middle and pulled in two different directions anymore.

So...I think what needs to happen is the collar needs to come off. The once hoped-for D/s ties need to be severed formally. Whatever degree of connection, family, friendship - they wish to maintain...I'll be open to...albeit from a bit more afar. I can't stay there wondering when I'm to be asked to move my things out...or over...or whatever. Every new girl who gets a tour of the castle...I wonder is she the one who is taking my room? Is this going to be the one who will replace me? The one who will fit with both of them? I can't keep doing that to myself.

Ideally - what I would love - is to maintain a sense of family with them both - to know that I could turn to them for friendship, for family, for comfort, for advice...whenever I needed. I already know - Michael has already proven - that is an impossibility where he is concerned. Desie...its possible. I hope. I don't know for sure.

Oh lord...this sucks....

How do you maintain a family when everyone is hurting?

Achingly,
Poly