Monday, June 6, 2011

Actions Negate Words

So, its been over a week now, and no word from Damien.

Words: "I PROMISE I will NEVER be gone offline for more than a couple days at a time without getting word to you SOMEHOW...I will NEVER disappear on you again..."

Actions: No word at all in 8 days. The last message I got was a promise to email when he got home from work on the 30th. He was on SL, apparently, on the 31st. I didn't see him on, but the group says he was...but no word then..or since.

Doubts, fears, obsessions....honestly afraid that he won't be back. If he disappears on me again...I'm not sure I can handle that loss. It might be the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this....I don't know if I can.

***In other news***

Words: "I'll ALWAYS need you...I can't do this without YOU...YOU are my ROCK, you'll always be a very significant part of my life...its YOU, don't you see that?"

Actions: Until another focus comes along..then he's all eyes toward it. Then he gets hurt. Then he runs and hides behind his defenses...and I've not really "seen" him since, not like before.

Actions: If he goes back will be ALONE. That was made very clear...pointed look and all.

Doubts, fears...and I'm putting myself on the line here to stand by his side and help him through everything...knowing full well that, at the end of the long hard road..he'll more than likely leave. The costs are enormous. The output is tremendous. I'm not sure I'll survive losing him. I'm not sure I ever had him to begin with. Its like I'm fine until something better comes along. Old issue, I know, but...I'm the only person like me he's ever known, really...the only one who knows the REAL him. The one who brought the real him out into the open. I can't even think about that right now. I feel like I'm suffocating whenever I do. I've lost so damn much over this...but did I ever really have it? I convinced myself that I let it go, gave it up, accepted the changes, because of the potential gain after...and in a cast off comment about another issue...the truth comes out..."ALONE"..."I won't be here in 10 years...I hope I'm not even here in two"...regardless, the changes are happening.

I'm trying. I'm trying to hold on, to be patient, to help in whatever way I can. I can't talk to anyone about this, not really, no one knows what its like, what I'm going through. There is NO ONE. Seth knew the truth...but he didn't understand it, not really..though he could empathize with me. Now, he's long gone. Damien....knew enough to help me sort out my thoughts. But now....another reason I'm not sure I can survive losing him. Selfish, I know...and I'm trying hard not to focus on my own needs and issues in all this. They are secondary, if not tertiary. That's probably closer to the truth. I just wish I had some support in this...someone who could understand...the one person who would...kind of...because she's in a similar situation...doesn't understand the differences enough to be of any help. And...I cant' discuss it with her, I've been asked not to. So...fine. I won't.

What do I need....I need someone who understands. I need one person on my side, totally, who knows the situation...who can be an ear and a shoulder and sometimes..jsut knowing they exist. Just knowing I'm not alone....and to know that, after all is said and done, I'm not going to be alone again. To know that I'm not going through all of so much up..with nothing personally to show for it but the experience and memories. If, 2-3 years from now, when everything is done and settled...I'm alone...I'm just not sure I'm that selfless. I'm not sure I have it in me to be. Well, I can be selfless...but at the end of it all...if i'm alone..if my role has been reduced to what it was all along, underneath it all - "the good friend who helped me become me..I talk to her every once in awhile..we exchange texts and emails now and then..I send her pics..."...I won't be that. My actions will not negate those words.