Sunday, May 22, 2011

That fragile thing called trust...

In trying to be loyal and protect the privacy of someone I love deeply, something I will not bend on...I have potentially destroyed the trust built between myself and another loved one.

By putting my blinders on and seeing the future for what I want it to be irregardless of the roadblocks...I have potentialy hurt someoen and created strife and doubt where once there was nothing but excitement and delicious anticipation.

I've been so focused on the potential losses that will be faced by my partner as they walk the road they ahve chosen with me by their side as loving support, if nothing else...and I lost sight of the potential losses that will be incurred for me as well. Silly selfish thoughts, I know...and I would give up damn near anything to make them happy (I might whine about it and fret and spaz out, but I'll do it)...but this loss, for whatever reason, didn't occur to me as being possible.

I had actually allowed myself to imagine the end of this road WITH this other loved one as an accepting part of it...somehow now...I don't see that as possible. Another dream killed. Another hope dashed. And, again...I should have known better.

So, my quite possibly willfull ignorance or refusal to face the truth of the matter...has hurt someone else and caused them to feel betrayed, and injured our relationship, perhaps irreparably. And I have to accept the blame for that. I do...but it still sucks. Although, truth be told, its better that it happen now than 6 months down the road when everything comes to a head and..yeah. Its better this way.

Some things have to be sacrificed for the needs of someone I love. I can deal with that. I just hate that I didn't anticipate THIS as being one of them. There has been so much already that I've lost, or will lose...and the potential gains remain to be seen. There is a voice in the back of my head getting louder by the day telling me that when the path is done...the potential gains..won't be mine. I'll be around, if I choose to be, to see them happen...but the benefit, other than the satisfaction of knowing that I helped someone I love very much change their life and become HAPPY...won't happen for me. I accept that.

But is it too damn much to ask for ONE thing to be mine?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Back burner syndrome

This weekend I spent trying to get stuff cleaned out of my mom's house and brought back here. The house is a wreck, literally, and there is NO WAY I can do it all. My Mom left the house in the condition it was because she needed to get away. I get that. I also get that she needs me to deal with the fallout. I'm just having a hard time dealing with my own emotional reactions at the moment.

My Mom talks about having made her peace with things and moved on, etc. She has her boyfriend now, they are living together, she is happy. She still has days where the memories overwhelm her and she cries, but she smiles more now than cries. That's a beautiful thing.

I feel like I never had a chance to mourn MY loss. This was my Dad...and granted, we didn't have the greatest relationship, but he was my dad. I have never cried in front of her, for fear of setting her off. I can't cry really in front of David, because it makes his uncomfortable, and he just tries to make me laugh (which is a good thing, trust me!). I still haven't made my peace. I haven't mourned. I haven't taken the time to come to grips with the reality of it yet. I don't know when I will.

Mom's newfound freedom and second adolescence also comes with a pricetag for me - selfish, I know, but it does. She talked for the last 2 years about me coming out to Oregon eventually to live and be with her, be close, that I'd have a place to stay, etc etc. Well, she's selling her house and moving into a modular or something smaller with her boyfriend, room for me. Bye bye safety net. She doesn't need me anymore for HER safety net. I'm happy for her, I really am. She put her needs first, which is what she needs to do. I support her in that, and I will continue to do so.

Then there are some of the other things I'm losing, and have lost lately. There were the lovely dreams on SL of a family. That went away, because the other family members' needs changed. Little thought was given to how these changes would affect me and my plans - those being the family dream that was offered to me..but...water under the bridge. They put their needs first, which is what they needed to do for them. I support them in that, and I will continue to do so.

Then there are the RL losses, or impending ones, that I am having real trouble coping with. I know the fear is potentially unfounded, because it will be more of a change than a real loss...and really, I tell myself, I've not HAD the thing I fear least not in the most definitive so long now..but the HOPE of rekindling that was always there...but now it may be going away for good. That scares me. BUT...again...the people I love more than anything are putting THEIR needs first, which is something I have wanted them to do - and that they NEED to do - for themselves, for their happiness. I support them in that and will stand by their side, regardless of my personal sense of loss or what have you.

Is it wrong, therefore, to feel as though i lost sense of myself along the way? To wonder when its my turn to put my needs first? I mentioned as much to David the other ngiht..and he asked me "What ARE Your needs?"


Damn good question. I couldn't answer him. I honestly don't know where to start. I spend so mucht ime pushing them aside and talking myself out of them, in favor of being supportive of the needs of those I love and their efforts to meet their own needs...I lost sight of mine. I suppose its kinda hard to put something first when I can't even define what that something is. *sighs*

Time to go unpack some more and clean some more furniture off. Joy of joys. Back to work tomorrow, then a night - and an entire day off - of laundry and putting clothes away in drawers and closets and putting the bed together and cleaning and vaccuuming and and and...*jumps for joy..makes it about 2 inches off the ground, and grudgingly trods off to the bedroom to start the evening's chores*.