Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Hunger

Its amazing to me how the absolute hunger, craving, NEED, for D/s attention and interaction can manifest itself. I suppose I've been conditioned over the last year or so to be satisfied with the little moments - the quick hair pulls, the hard slaps, the vicious kisses, the rare - all to rare - slam you against the wall and kiss the breath out of you moments. The little moments slack off from time to time, with life circumstances, and that has an interesting result. It leaves me vulnerable to even the slightest hint of a decent D/s interaction. It causes a situation in which things that shouldn't affect me - do - and take my breath away. I'm so hungry to hear HIS words in my mind, to feel my body sync to HIS, our heartbeats meld...that even the voice of a man I respond to a little bit giving me an order in THAT TONE...has a profound effect on me. Even the rough touch and naughty words of a boy - who until that time had struck me as submissive - calling me a dirty little slut and pulling my hair, then kissing my forehead...has me curled at his feet purring like a kitten.

Even now...I crave that interaction. Most especially from HIM, and, in HIS absence, from the one I respond to similarly. What is it with these men, who toss out little moments, little teases, little tastes, that barely keep my juices flowing...that is so fucking addictive? Why is it that I can spend hours in their presence, waiting for them to toss me a scrap of attention (feast on scraps by Alanis is coming to mind here) like a lost puppy dog, and when they do decide to show me the degree of attention I need...I respond tenfold?

And why - oh god why - does it thrill me so to know that, in those moments in which I was basking in their presence and waiting for a scrap, they were paying attention? They were learning? They were gathering information to use against me later - information to give them a direct line into my head.

THIS is why I am a submissive. As strong of a woman as I am, I NEED these interactions. A part of me NEEDS to feel that there is someone out there who knows me better than I know myself, who can turn me inside out on their whim, who can take control of my mind, my heart, and my body, whenever they so desire. And to know - beyond a shadow of a doubt, no matter how frustrating and aggravating and maddening at times it may be - that it WILL happen on THEIR whim...and not mine. And, knowing that, I know that, when it does....I WILL respond. I won't have a choice. know a good Dom....its a wonderful feeling....

~ Poly

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Mental Floss

So she's mother is dating. She lives all the way across the country, her husband of 34+ years (my father) died just over 5 months ago from a terrible, long, drawn out illness...and she's dating. She's acting like a teenager again, and its beautiful to see, in a way...creepy in a way too,'ll have that I suppose.

I can't help but feel like I'm being pushed even farther away, because I can't be in that place with her. I'm not there. She's dating...meanwhile, I can't look at my Dad's picture, or hear his name, or even think about him, without crying. I put his picture up in my linden home...and I've not been back since. I can't look at it...but I also can't take it down. I know a big part of it is guilt - feeling like I disappointed him or am disappointing him.

So Yeah. She's dating. I'm happy for her. I'm nowhere near that stage or recovery. And it sucks.

When he really started going downhill...I needed someone. I hold me, to comfort me, to tell me everything would be okay, I'd be tell me I was a good girl. And mean it.

The man that I SHOULD (hindsight is 20/20) have turned to for that...wasn't able to handle it. He was able to make me smile..and numb the pain...but he couldn't hold me while I cried. He doens't have it in him. Its not a shortcoming of his..its just a mismatch of needs - it can't all be perfect.

So I turned to another. The most unlikely person to be a "Daddy" considering that he is  7 years younger than worked. He was there for me. I had that connection, that safety net, that buffer. He'd filled that role before, and now, for another reason..he did again. It was stupid. I knew it wouldn't end well. I knew I picked the wrong person to rely on. That was MY mistake - relying on him..counting on him to be there for me, to keep his promises. MY mistake to believe his passionate words and promises. As fate would have it - he betrayed them all. He broke promises to me, and betrayed my trust and my love. Our connection was severed, completely...and I've not talked to him in well over a month now, not long after my birthday was the last time we spoke. I almost texted him today...because the feeling of loss and not getting over it is overwhelming me today, and there is NO ONE else I can turn to right now. Such is life, I suppose. I didn't...and I won't. I'll maintain that he has enough on his plate, and obviously if I meant anything to him, I'd have heard from him by now.

Which brings me to today. My SL is a beautiful disaster at the moment.

I can't shake the feeling that I'm being replaced by my family. I know - its not without precedent. In their eyes, I sort of replaced them as well. I didn't....I couldn't...but...*shrugs*....what will be will be, I suppose. They deserve to be happy, and I wasn't making Michael happy. He needs something more...something different...something easier...than me. I'm not saying it didn't hurt like hell when he first told me he was thinking of collaring Aidree...the first indication that I wasn't good enough. The fact that we hadn't had any time together, hadn't played more than once and - awesome though it was - it wasn't D/s. I voiced my displeasure - now I wish I'd kept my mouth shut - and the promises started.....I won't do this...I won't replace You...I won't look because its hurting others too....You'll always be considered in any decisions we make, you're family...etc etc etc. I'll never turn my back on you. Well...not turning to face me IS turning your back on me. Not speaking to me. Not making an effort. Not keeping any of your promises more than 2-3 days....oh you know what, fuck it. My pain in this department isn't important. I made the decision to place the friendship over anything else, and he deserves to be happy in SL. I can't begrudge him that. If it makes him happy to ignore me, I'll gladly make it easy.

Desie, on the other hand...that HURTS. Thinking that she is replacing me...that hurts. Because whether Michael and I are ever more than friends...doesn't really matter at this long as that friendship is maintained. But Desie...the connection we have meant a lot to me. A hell of a lot. I DO NOT want to lose that. And I feel like I am repeatedly putting her in the middle. Differences of opinion or tension between Michael and I are putting her in the middle. And her loyalty is with Him...which I understand and accept.

Dragging this out, expecting Him to keep his try to work it out...its hurting. And my cup is already a little too full of hurt to deal with this too.

I know I hurt Him, I know I bruised him, with the whole Damien thing. I never thought he would be back. I certainly never thought things would progress as they have if he did come back. I hoped that, if he did, we'd at least still be friends. is more of an intense connection there now - that we are being real and honest and open with one another - than there even was before he left. And I can't walk away from that.

So I'm terribly sorry that I hurt Michael, and that I hurt Desie by proxy. I never wanted out of their family. I never even wanted out of their collar. But...I can't sit by the wayside and continue to expect consideration and care and be disappointed and hurt over and over again. I don't need that, and I don't deserve it...and its only going to breed bitterness and pain. And He deserves to be happy - and Desie deserves to not be put in the middle and pulled in two different directions anymore.

So...I think what needs to happen is the collar needs to come off. The once hoped-for D/s ties need to be severed formally. Whatever degree of connection, family, friendship - they wish to maintain...I'll be open to...albeit from a bit more afar. I can't stay there wondering when I'm to be asked to move my things out...or over...or whatever. Every new girl who gets a tour of the castle...I wonder is she the one who is taking my room? Is this going to be the one who will replace me? The one who will fit with both of them? I can't keep doing that to myself.

Ideally - what I would love - is to maintain a sense of family with them both - to know that I could turn to them for friendship, for family, for comfort, for advice...whenever I needed. I already know - Michael has already proven - that is an impossibility where he is concerned. Desie...its possible. I hope. I don't know for sure.

Oh lord...this sucks....

How do you maintain a family when everyone is hurting?