In trying to be loyal and protect the privacy of someone I love deeply, something I will not bend on...I have potentially destroyed the trust built between myself and another loved one.
By putting my blinders on and seeing the future for what I want it to be irregardless of the roadblocks...I have potentialy hurt someoen and created strife and doubt where once there was nothing but excitement and delicious anticipation.
I've been so focused on the potential losses that will be faced by my partner as they walk the road they ahve chosen with me by their side as loving support, if nothing else...and I lost sight of the potential losses that will be incurred for me as well. Silly selfish thoughts, I know...and I would give up damn near anything to make them happy (I might whine about it and fret and spaz out, but I'll do it)...but this loss, for whatever reason, didn't occur to me as being possible.
I had actually allowed myself to imagine the end of this road WITH this other loved one as an accepting part of it...somehow now...I don't see that as possible. Another dream killed. Another hope dashed. And, again...I should have known better.
So, my quite possibly willfull ignorance or refusal to face the truth of the matter...has hurt someone else and caused them to feel betrayed, and injured our relationship, perhaps irreparably. And I have to accept the blame for that. I do...but it still sucks. Although, truth be told, its better that it happen now than 6 months down the road when everything comes to a head and..yeah. Its better this way.
Some things have to be sacrificed for the needs of someone I love. I can deal with that. I just hate that I didn't anticipate THIS as being one of them. There has been so much already that I've lost, or will lose...and the potential gains remain to be seen. There is a voice in the back of my head getting louder by the day telling me that when the path is done...the potential gains..won't be mine. I'll be around, if I choose to be, to see them happen...but the benefit, other than the satisfaction of knowing that I helped someone I love very much change their life and become HAPPY...won't happen for me. I accept that.
But is it too damn much to ask for ONE thing to be mine?